What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:26
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Ive learnt so much.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
How do you recognize when your mental health might need attention?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Would this be the day?
She wouldn,t have been !
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
All the time i was locked up.
I was very sick at this time too.
What one thing makes someone a very mature person?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We all went to grammer schools
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I said to her
He resisted the act ,that day.
Comes on , in middle age.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
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She loved him until the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But it wasn’t much.
She was in good health!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Was to survive, this bastard.
She married twice! .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I write beautiful poetry .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He knew the spot.
I was scared of men, in general
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It was going to be , some day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I have no regrets .
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is soul school!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So, i spoilt her more .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We were not on the streets..
I waited trembling.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I don,t even have a pension.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot live in the past .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Who then, do I blame.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So whats the point in blame.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I will be 64.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What did i know ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them